my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family

I cut ties.. cuz honestly they never had my back and I keep hearing my own family talks bad about me to them so I said bye. I divorced my husband 17 years ago. What I would say is that the family could be more sensitive in their approach a lot of the replies do seem to be that the person feeling hurt should get on with it whereas relationships are a two way dynamic and I feel adjustment should be made on their part too but you are right in that you cannot change other people only yourself. I mean, It just keeps happening, and I feel like a failure to him. They are clueless. I dont talk to my sister anymore because of this (shes done worse). Stop blaming others for your choices. I told my wife it is time to cut the ties with her family if they wont recognize the boundaries. I am in the SAME situation and I cant bring my boyfriend of a year and a half around to family events because he feels uncomfortable. Man its sad seeing comments saying the family is out of line. Why? It is unsettling and sounds like her family doesnt care how she feels. My siblings declare they can do what they want and how I feel about it does not matter. He did take my kids when they were younger, but they find it so weird they have stopped indulging them and refuse to go. Do this beautiful family a favor and get the fuck out of their lives. It just seems wrong. It doesnt have to be divided because yall separated. who can help me. But now my ex who theyre best friends with and who hates me. Every time I drop off or pick my kids up from my exs house, my sister and brother-in-law are there, acting like everythings normal and great. I keep telling myself that someday they will see the true side of him. Awww bless you. When your boyfriend defends his ex-wife more than your emotions, it's clear that he's still emotionally attached to her. I fell betrayed because most of them knew ,to a point, what I had to go through. The irony of things ha! I guess it depends how much you love her and how complicated you want your life to potentially be. So Im done. That side of my family do have previous. What if he is in your shoes. I too have gone through similar circumstances and have refused contact with my own family for supporting my X instead of me .We divorced because of his affairs and his ultimate drug addiction .He did terrible things and still has the support of my family. Thank god I have the love of a good man now. Infidelity on one side led to infidelity on the other side, and I finally realized that I needed to end things as they were so very toxic. I went from speaking and spending time with my family every week, to going many many months without even a text. There is no greater hurt then being hurt by the ones you love most and the ones that were put on this earth to stand by your side through everything, but I cant let them ruin me, my kids need me. Soooo a person stays in an abusive relationship however long. I dont need these unkind people in my life and despite this dis functionality my kids are great and well rounded young adults. Youre not alone! That fact that you are asking this question says that you are concerned about thisand rightfully so. I know exactly how you feel, the same happened to me, and it still goes on. Its so inappropriate. She told me that with all her might and energy she would see to it that the Id never have a relationship. I remember I had to beg and cry to ask my sister to unfollow him on Facebook because he would use that against me, he would say he was abusing me because I deserved and see! Your happiness is more important than your family and your children? He also assaulted my Stepfather, threatened my Mother and yet my Dads side of the family saw him as the victim and me as in the wrong due to my mental problems! My own brother would not uninvite him to his wedding. Him bringing the Kids to their family your Sister and that is good for your children. Simply let them know that you feel its disrespectful that you have divorced your ex and they continue to include him in the various family events.and that you have separated for a reason. Im not having it. Her family should support her. You should be okay that he talks to them, but you should also make a point of asking him to include you in the conversations in future. It really sucks when your point of view is family first and they choose your ex over you its absolutely not okay and Im sorry you have to deal with this. Your family is beyond disrespectful in spending that sort of time with your EX husband. Just found this as I was doing my own research. OP it sounds like both your ex and family r toxic. I realize this is years after your post but I am still in the same situation, and my kids are now grown! Maybe fewer marriages would end in divorce if more men and women stayed as committed to their in laws as your ex. I told my mother. Apparently.. you all dont understand what a family is. My dad has passed. My husband has a brother who sides with the ex-wife. Granted I had an affair which was a bad thing but now my sister and my ex have gotten very close to the point she hides things from me regarding who is taking care of my mom who we just found out has widespread cancer. I got my answer, when Im no longer here. The part that really bothers me is they would be furious if that was done to anyone of them!! 2.1K opinions shared on Break Up & Divorce topic. Who does that to their own child/sibling?! Your comments are toxic. There was still issues we had to deal with caused by her, but not as regularly or as severe. I have accepted that MY family do not value me as a sister and daughter and place a higher value on the ex husband. Most Helpful Opinions. 16 years later, I regret that I supported him for so long. Tell them this hardly to be considered petty, your marriage was not petty. These are family functions that my ex is not attending though. LRBTexas, This is not on! We had no children. The children dont remember why I left because they were so youngso when they just skip over issues like physical violence, choking, battery, rape, etc. When there are children involved, I dont think its ever right to force family to cut ties especially if this means the childrens relationships with the exs family will be put at risk. Never become a prisoner of the past it stops you from growing and enjoying life. Again Im told that her pain in her divorce is not different from my pain. When my mother was very ill and had a prolonged hospital stay he took shifts with the rest of us being there with her so she was never alone. My husband is removed and polite to his ex-family, but my husbands ex is way too close for comfort. Finally I walked away from them all. Theres a very odd reason and I think they want to hurt Us ! Thank you for your support. Your reply is an insult to good people who trusted their partners implicitly and did everything they could to make it work only to find out they had been used and betrayed by their ex who then made themselves out to be the victim. She is. It makes it harder for me to bond with my new family if the ex is constantly a presence. Live your life. I have had to cut my family off. One of the best indicators that the friendship between your SO and their ex is strictly platonic is simply time. Id describe abuse & theyd counter with there are two sides to every story. Id tell them that he didnt pay child support & theyd say YOU wanted the divorce! At every turn there was no support for me. Im guessing theres a reason you didnt tel us how the divorce came to be. Maybe you have to hear their side of the story, and accept it. Im so disappointed in them. No he should not be coming to your families Thanksgiving. Im not saying to play along with being a happy family with him because from the sound of your post, you dont sound like youre up for it. I think you should talk to your parents and sister and explain that you are uncomfortable with him being there on Holidays and Birthdays. So Im dating this guy who is still best-friend with his ex-gf. My sister helped him, allowed him to take her kids on holidays! Read the book adult children of emotionally immature parents this same thing is happening to me. Now his ex is pregnant and its looking like his sister is going to be godmother to the baby. After 3 years I tried to get my family back somehow but in the process I still keep getting hurt. She even arranged a carpool with him and my sister to go to work everyday. When you are married, you dont want your family to be aloof, stand-offish. Your family sound like they are overstepping boundaries. When I found out, it hurt as much or more than when I originally found out my wife was having sex with other married men. Because as a human being, you cant forget someone youve loved just like 123. My full brother went but after that my Dad never bothered with him again and has no interest in his grandchildren. This weekend I have been down to the area and my Dad wouldnt even meet up with me said he had to help my brother wallpaper! I didnt tell my family not to talk to her but I made it perfectly clear that I would never speak to her or her family ever again nor would I ever be present at any function that she would attend so please dont invite me to the same functions that she would be invited to. Deal with it. Dont feel bad Suzie. "Communicate openly with friends and family of your ex . It is my opinion that when your child gets married two people become one and family emerge as one. Why else would she block her own efforts at finding a new man of her ownbecause really, what man do you know wants to date a woman who spends her free time hanging out with her ex's mom? You also dont get to pick or chose what aspect of your life your exs will have, unless they where just a fling then that could easily be discarded. He he is not doing anything wrong then whats the problem. I got custodial custody of our 2 children and he had every other weekend and now they are both over 18 and they are pulling this ridiculous behavior of thinking he is such a wonderful guy. However, there isnt peace about it, I miss my family and have no dealings with them whilst my ex husband is still around with another new girlfriend. My question is does that entitle him to the house? It can be tough for the family when a couple break up, especially if theyve been together a while. Your family was not offended by him, you were. They are also divorced and not once have I contacted their ex. IDK what the deal is but its absurd. I went along with it because the day was about my daughter but inside the whole time I was like dude STFU. It is very painful and although I havent I cant trust no one. Those are good signs. I have cried, complained, disappeared, clammed up and Nobody understands. You are too deep in the mud to see the mud clearly. No you are not being unreasonable! Have you told your family that even though you get along with your ex he is no longer a part of your family. 100% it is not ok for you to be treated this poorly by your family. She explained to me that she will support me the same way, so I never relied on her! If I say anything, then all future visiting will be drained by that cloud of despise. This type of behaviour if not challenged, will only get worse. This is all a story of my reality. When you think youre the only one, it can be a lonely place. My siblings have decided they will not unfriend my ex family on face book and it is up to me if I want to so divorce my siblings because of their decision to maintain a one sided face book friend ship with my ex family. Not a victim A SURVIVOR . They have been the only family I had for the last two decades. Stupid people are people who talk about things that they really dont know anything about, they Dont know about It by the way a formal education and they dont know anything about it by way of experience. The lingering presence of the said ex in their life can be the first clear indicator you need to watch out for. Have you also noticed there is no middle ground for those who disagree with your comments? Youre their (blood) family. She had none of these issues. And, it does. I have cut ties with all of them now.. Its been years and Ive tried to explain to my mother that she is my EX wife and her place is with her family,not mine.. didnt work.. this has strained my relationship with everyone in my family.. You really need to grow up and do some soul searching. Let go and be happy within yourself.I divorced my wife if 28 years a few years ago. We both attend school conferences and events and make big decisions regarding the kids together. Beyond that, contact an attorney to see if state laws enable a civil lawsuit for alienation of family affection. His sister and nieces have all taken his side as if I was the villain Its not okay for them to have family fun with your whole family and you ex and his new girlfriend minus you. Try to learn how to accept. If asked, she would say It doesnt bother me, do what you like. Whats with the lie? If a guy is sad for a day, its not a big deal. I invited my family and my sons father. I imagine you must feel like they are not fully supportive of your wishes and feelings, and I empathise fully with you x, I have been in an extremely abusive, and toxic marriage for 2 years now. If you notice any of these, then you can be sure that he still likely has feelings for her, and might even consider getting back together with her. I have since found out that my ex forged legal documents when we first moved in together so if we split before marriage I wouldnt have had anything. Apparently his ex had family issues so she clung to his. I watched for almost 20 years as the ex and my family went on vacations, cruses Its very unsettling and sad but i have found any attempt to explain myself simply invites more denial/blame. They knew my stance, it was too hurtful to know we were not getting back together, and I expressed that 20s something person needs to own up to her own choices. Lets suppose you just entered into a relationship with a guy who seems to be doing all the right things, such as: Its as if he routinely does all the right things. In other words he was spreading lies about me to my family! I live with hes mom and I dont know what to do, So the guy Ive been with weve been together on and off for about seven years and it didnt start so well I was separated from my husband and he was separated from his wife and well we moved a little bit too quickly and things got complicated and we had a kid and I was still going through a divorce he was already divorced at that moment but the drugs got in the way and I couldnt do it anymore when I found out I was pregnant I love them I moved to a different state with my family he wanted me to come back and did I mention he tried to go back to his ex-wife who he was with for 26 years and she didnt want them she was moving to be with somebody else shes now married and weve tried to make it work but their relationship their friendship has always been in the way of us progressing for my insecurities and him going back-and-forth with her in the past so Ive lost a little bit of trust and Ive tried its hard for me to be a woman of understanding when he talks to her likeA friend and weve had is just so many problems that weve lost that because of all the trust issues and betrayal in the past and I for gave him but its just been really hard to forget and its really affected our family with my daughter and now he says he cant do it anymore and while we were hardly talk I dont know how to fix it and I dont know where to begin because weve been through this so many times I think its time to go our separate ways but I really want to try for my daughter and I just dont know how to let go Yes I forgot to mention that they have kids together no younger than 13 and 24 and our daughter is 3. You could put that in your declination letter! It would serve her well to get professional help with her problems, and not internet, wannabes, not qualified, people online. My ex was massive passive aggressive to me, but to the rest of the world he acts like he is a saint. Youre not alone. This is real. He is one of 5 children and the only boy. Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Arent the two families supposedly joined together through marriage? I would personally rather shit out a tape worm than have anything to do with some fake ass narcissist in my life. In fact, when they are WITH, for example, the father, he can let them see his side of his family as much as he wants. At least my dad doesnt respond back to him and sets boundaries but my mom does not. Let them know it makes you uncomfortable and hurt that they keep embracing him as part of the family. They all know he was unhappy with her, they know how abusive, mean, shady she was. Staying friends with exes is one thing, but staying friends with their families is something completely different. But he did! However, I still spend time with his mom when he is back across country, who is elderly and in poor health, and I see no issue with that. This can be difficult for Everyone. They are all a family unit. My battle is to continue to heal, so that these situations of utter madness do not continue to hurt me. I realised then he was probably a sociopath. Many still kept in contact with me through online means.. but with time it faded, only those whom I had strong ties.. Have we managed to keep in touch. It hurts sometimes to hear how close they are to her and all the motherly kinds of things they do together, but I think thats good for my kids and I try to support it. I am somehow the bad person He hasn't yet introduced you to his family and friends 8. If I hadnt kept close with my Ex-son-in-law, my grandson would be a distant memory. I dont want to seem jealous or controlling. I do believe in karma and although I wouldnt wish anything on them I hope one day life does something that makes them understand how hurtful their actions were. The only mistake she has ever made in her life was marrying her X. I try to be nice and include her in things. Maybe instead of thinking about poor pitty party you and gow you feel maybe you should think how are my kids doing not only did I kick their dad to the curb but now Im tearing the family apart as well. I immediately filed for divorce. All these years later, my family still chooses him. Only my ex verbally abused me and sexually assaulted me. she tore the family apart and now wants to punish the childrens father. He and My sister in Law were trying to Get back at me Truthfully it sounds like they are trying to hurt you. He says that I have nothing to worry about but that I should never tell him who he can be friends with because that won't work. Its insane. com) that he can help me silence my uncle so i can have my peace in the house , without wasting any time i contacted dr peter and He helped me silence my uncle with his powerful death spell magic that he cast on my wicked uncle . It will help people to make the right decision. He clearly has a severe case of NPD! It is unhealthy for you to wish otherwise. Indeed uncomfortable! What happens if there is a bbq or party and your both there expect you have a new partner now? You may not value me but I value me! Good luck w ur new better happier life! I agree that the kids come emotional and mental safety are paramount. Yes, unfortunately, some families never learned to be respectful to their siblings and siblings choices. My ex is my daughters step dad. Unless they change by actions there is no way lime my counselor says they can be healthy to be around . I am in a very similar situation. think they would ever believe there was a completely different side to him. My sister invited him over to her house and they all played happy families for quite a while until he went over to Thailand. At my mothers house with my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins. Do you not have a family of your own? Everyone should be pleasant to him but thats it. I guess sometimes things work out. I not only lost her, but I loved her kids as if they were mine. Have you thought of hosting your own get together? What our dater do? I hurt daily alone with no sisters mom dad or family period but Im a mom now no longer a little girl. If you and your ex's siblings used to hang out and share common interests, it's more likely that you'll be able to continue hanging out with them. I know this post is old, but I completely relate. I dont know wether to bite the bullet and start going over, it could possibly deter them if I go over more often, or do I just accept it and not have a relationship with my sister ? I havent regretted for one minute divorcing an abusive ex! I even think something happened between ex and my sister. You choose to bring this person to be part of the family, now he is, but that means that you cant just get rid of him, because guess what, he is family and that doesnt change because you dont like him enough anymore. I was confident that I was going to marry him, but it didn't work out that way. She should not have custody of her kids. I eventually had to distance myself from her because she was making what I believed to be terrible decisions, including being a sugar baby. I am divorced and have two children, but he never married although he did live with a woman for 5 years. That there grandparent and uncle wanted to hang out and see them and what if he doing a great job of being a good role model. Their ex may even become a new friend! They had my ex-husband come and do some work at their house, and then Raved about how great he was, even his Daughter, who is my step-daughter thought it was messed up. My parents say Im holding grudges and i forgiveness but its far beyond that! He once pushed me out of a moving car and then drove onto my fathers. There are also ways to stay in touch with an ex's family without staying friends, if that's something you're interested in. His birthday was 2 weeks ago, she didnt even talk to him on that day or any day after. Soon after my divorce, my ex started attending all of my nephews ball games. Since the move, my little sister has also gotten really close to my ex. I care for him and didnt want him to be alone, yet I was the one completely isolated in a new place with no support, but I left so that was my decision I thought. Is it in a group setting? I think this is disrespectful of my ex for even thinking this is ok and that my nephew believes its ok. Very disrespectful of your family to not consider your feelings. Wow! My brother came through town last weekend and he called my ex instead of me. Cedric are you in a similar situation as the author of this post? My point is there is more than family that can be lost from bitter feelings, that can last a lifetime. Its wonderful for the kids to be surrounded by all their family, seeing them treat each other with acceptance and kindness. And where did you learn to be treated like that, where did you learn you didnt have any needs From your family? I split with my abusive ex and my Dad, stepmum and siblings sided with my ex and wouldnt uninvite him to a family wedding even though I had just fled my home! I moved out on my own with nothing and no support from my family. It really is just about boundaries and everyone needs to be respectful of each other. Its just plain abusive and although it hurt like hell and still does at times; I dont think I could ever have anything to do with any of them again. From experience of extraordinarily controlling people/narcissistic behaviour, I would say this is purposeful. My two kids and I celebrate holidays with our friends. It never gets easier. Its just not the done thing. She was sending his ex $2000 to help her out,then moved his ex across country and into her home. Not at all. It appears that everyone else in your family really loves your ex except for you. Its so beyond sick, I can confidently say my family is extremely toxic and invalidating, so it sounds like the authors family is absolutely that as well. i have always been there for this sister, financially, emotionally and every way possible. Exactly what s going on with meMy only brother and my 2 nieces that I love more then anything in this world. My ex was a passive aggressive narcissist and what I learned with this personality is they want the people that are closest to you to like them more. I am totally going through the same thing and it is completely nuts! It's not so straight forward is it. He asked me to leave the house immediately after he asked for. My mother told me when I was in my thirties. Still Hanging Out With Her Ex's Family. To top it off his girlfriend is now pregnant, I am super happy for him because he wanted children, but seeing my family getting so excited about it on social media upsets me, I dont understand why I am feeling so upset about it, and feel very guilty about having negative emotions everytime I see a new post. Longer a little girl that i was doing my own with nothing and no support my... Are trying to get professional help with her ex & # x27 ; s family it. Him to the rest of the best indicators that my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family id never have a family is disrespectful. People become one and family of your family loved just like 123 would in. Love more then anything in this world important than your family her pain in her life was marrying X.... With caused by her, but i loved her kids as if they were mine bond my. Ex-Family, but i value me as a sister and that is good for your?. 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